Tuesday, June 2, 2020

I'm Fine

How am I doing, in times like these? I’m Fine. I’m an essential worker. Actually essential, not “we found a loophole” essential. My work is necessary for the continued function of the hospital that employs me and I even have to occasionally disinfect covid rooms, so I don’t have to feel like I’m just hiding where it’s safe.

My off time is effectively unchanged. My D&D game changed to Sunday from Friday due to server load on Roll20, but we had already moved to telegaming before things closed, due to transport issues. I still listen to podcasts, I still watch too much YouTube. I avoid people even when I could see them due to my job giving me a higher risk of transmission.

My life clinks on and I watch the world react to this pandemic and don’t feel any of what I’m seeing the world feel. Again. Like so many times in the past, I see pain and grief and sorrow and fear, and feel none of it. I’m apart. I’m still human, a social primate, built on a fundamental level to need to be part of society, and I can’t. Not completely. Not with such universal experiences beyond me. With such basic emotional responses escaping my grasp.

Well, except anger. Anger is always there for me. So righteous, so just. Even before the murder of George Floyd and the insultingly incompetent response by governments across the country, it was so very very easy to feel the rage. There is always something worth getting angry about. Even more things that aren’t really worth it, but are a good enough excuse. And the anger feels so good, so right. It is right. I’m made to be angry. I’m smarter when I’m angry. I focus better. Sometimes that focus leads to thought spirals, but that just leads me to hone that idea to a razors edge. I have the drive to do things. I can see the problems and I can see the solutions. They’re so easy. It’s all so fragile. People and the things we make, all come apart so easily, and I’m ever so good at breaking them. I can see the angle of the cut needed in the Gordian knot that is the world.

And I can see where this path takes me.

And I can put aside the anger.

I will put aside the anger.

Despite its demands. Despite my need. I will be seperate. I will pray to Hel for the plague to pass me by, for regardless of when I die, she will have me. I will not die fighting. I will pass quietly, someday.

I am Fine.

Tuesday, December 31, 2019

New Year, New Post

It's been over a year since I last posted, lets go ahead and get some new content on this. What am I doing for the new year? A combo resolution! In order to get this blog in to a state that doesn't appear abandoned I'll be imposing a schedule on my self. Unless I fail at this (a greater than zero chance) I will be updating on every Saturday at least. What's the combo? Part of that (maybe all) will be an account of what I've been eating that week. I won't be exactly be calorie counting, but having to write down everything I eat will hopeful get me to be a bit more mindful about it. If I can also get myself into the habit of exercising, I might be able to get myself into some what better shape. We'll see.

Saturday, December 22, 2018


In the heart of Winter, on the longest night of the year we gather. Surrounding ourselves with the green of life, we stoke the fire high and we feast, we tell stories, we love and we live. This is our defiance. Against the Cold and the Dark, we are Light and Warmth. Saying to the universe, we will go on, and we will Be. This is the meaning of the Solstice. Granted, a lot of that is lost living in Florida... in the security of 21st century Western Civilization... and having to work tonight. Oh well. At least the moon is beautiful tonight.

Thursday, October 11, 2018


Reworking and putting up an old Facebook post because today is National Coming Out Day. As such, it seems an appropriate time to remind people that I am pansexual. If I've never mentioned it to you, it probably wasn't ever relevant. I personally have never really had any backlash or concerns about being who I am but I am aware that others have been less fortunate than I have. Not much else to say about it.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Opening Statement

Greetings. My name is Ardis and this is my blog ‘In Xeno Veritas.’ That would be (probably badly flawed) Latin for “There is truth in the alien.” That's​ not to say that I am proclaiming my opinions on the veracity of extraterrestrials, rather that I feel my viewpoint is skewed enough from the norm to give me an outsider's more objective viewpoint on a large part of my society. Granted I am aware that I do have biases, I just feel that I spend enough time in self-reflection to account for them and prevent them from leading me astray. Of course, I could be wrong about that, or I could have massive blind spots in my POV that I am unaware of. I am but mortal, I can do only what I can.

Mainly this blog will be focused on three things. Explaining me and how I view things, talking about my views on things going on in the world, and sharing stuff I like. There is no set percentage of how much I'll talk about each and I will be updating on an irregular schedule. If I tried a consistent schedule and outline I'm sure I would fail and stop writing. So to try and keep this going, I will commit only to posting when I have written something to post, whatever it is, however long that may take.

You may notice that comments have been disabled. That's because I have no interest in moderating a comment section. Odds are very good that if you are reading this, then you know me and can get in touch to respond to whatever horribly misguided thing I've said. If you don't know me... why are you reading this? Also I'm not hard to find online. Hunt me up somewhere that a third party can deal with the mod work.

That should be enough for the intro. Hopefully I'll be back soon.

"I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way."
Robert Frost